


Yellow Walls and a Gecko Called Fred

by ESawyer



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Even though he's more than a lil bit in love with him here, He's also a dumbass but himbo Kevin rights, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Uganda (Book of Mormon Musical), There is not one person on this earth who can tell me that Elder Grant is not gay, and that Kevin wasn't a lil bit in love with him, blink and you miss it nsfw, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28157226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ESawyer/pseuds/ESawyer
Summary: Elder Price has nothing on his mind except his mission.Kevin Price has nothing on his mind except Elijah Grant.
Relationships: Elder Grant/Kevin Price
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20
Collections: 12 Days of Book of Mormon (2020)





	Yellow Walls and a Gecko Called Fred

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo, 
> 
> This is day 5 of 12 Days of BOM - Write for a ship you don't normally create for. 
> 
> LISTEN. When I say I have become attached to Elder Grant....I love him more than I will ever love any children I will ever have (this is half a joke probably). 
> 
> Trigger warning for conversion therapy/sexual assault/internalised homophobia but I PROMISE it's not as depressing as it sounds I'm just paranoid about upsetting someone lol

Beneath the Elder uniform and his ability to recite the majority of the Book of Mormon word for word, Kevin Price was slowly morphing into the sort of person that his Church would hate. 

The guilt he felt was all consuming; it burned through his veins whenever a Bishop told him what a shining example he was for other boys his age, or when one of his friends made a joke about the two men they saw walking down the street holding hands. He would shift uncomfortably and cast his eyes to the floor so as not to have to look into the eyes that were always staring into his own when they were alone.

It was embarrassing and shameful, and yet so _addictive._

Addictive enough that for the few hours they had alone, Kevin would forget about the mission that was looming over their heads, the lives that they were both expected to lead, and the punishment that would be awaiting them if they got caught. All he focused on were the hands in his hair, the lips gently moving against his own and the way that little corner they were tucked away in somehow contained the entire world. 

“Kev - Kevin. We need to go back,” 

Kevin’s eyes flickered open to meet Elijah’s, their noses still inches apart, “Not yet. We have time,” 

“I thought you wanted to know where you were going on your mission?” 

“I already know where we’re going on our mission,” Kevin said, running his hands up and down his sides, “Orlando,” 

Elijah raised his eyebrows, “So you just _know_ that you’re going to get what you want?” 

“When don’t I?” Kevin whispered, leaning back in. 

He was stopped with a hand on his chest, the simple touch sending shockwaves through his entire body. Sometimes, he considered giving it all up. Telling his parents that he didn’t want this anymore, running to some far away college and taking Elijah with him. They entertained the idea sometimes, late at night when they should have been sleeping and even though there was every chance the other boys might hear them. Kevin wanted to go to Florida, of course, but Elijah wanted them to spread their wings. Go somewhere more exciting, see the _world_. Kevin would point out that they could see the world at Epcot, and Elijah would give him the same look his mom gave his dad when he was annoying her. 

“The mission president is waiting,” Elijah said quietly, “We shouldn’t be late,” 

That was all Kevin ever needed to bring himself back down to earth. He took a step back from Elijah and smoothed his hair down, nodding curtly. He watched Elijah’s face fall; his shoulders slumping and eyes turning sad. 

“Come on, Elder Grant,” Kevin said, “We can’t be late,” 

“You’re not going to wait for me, are you?” 

He always found his transition from Kevin to Elder Price easy. It was as though there was a switch he was able to flick in his brain, where Elijah stopped being Elijah and became Elder Grant. 

“What am I waiting for?” Elder Price asked. 

“You’re horrible,” Eder Grant whispered, shoving passed him with what might have been a sob. 

There was a moment where _Kevin_ was clawing to get to the front of his brain, yelling about how that really was horrible and if he had any sense of decency, he would apologise before it was too late. It was a mental fight that Elder Price won - a fight he was _always_ going to win - and even when Grant stood too close to him, or showered him with spitefully sarcastic praise about how he was the _smartest, best, most deserving Elder the centre has ever seen,_ he could ignore him and focus on things that were more important than how pretty Elder Grant’s eyes were. 

He even managed to ignore that awful sinking feeling in his stomach when Elder Grant was called to Norway, _without him._ Grant’s eyes flickered over to meet his as he shook hands with his mission companion, but Elder Price didn’t react. It didn’t matter where Elder Grant was going and who he was going with, it only mattered where _he_ was going. 

The day Elder Grant left for Norway, Elder Price was too busy to say goodbye. 

* * *

The only person Kevin could face was Arnold, and even that was difficult. Their bedroom door was to stay shut at all times, and Kevin _had_ to be facing it so he could make sure that no one would come in. Some days he was numb to it, not even able to focus on the pain that started at his lower back and crawled all the way down his legs. 

Other days, it was all he could focus on. 

He sobbed into his pillow, Arnold crouched behind his bed and stroking his hand up and down his back, hesitantly asking what he needed from him. 

“ _Elijah,”_ Kevin choked out, hating himself for letting his mind wander to him, “I want - I _need_ Elijah,” 

“Kev, I - I’m sorry,” Arnold whispered brokenly, “I can’t, he’s - he’s in Norway. I’m sorry, pal. I can’t get him for you,” 

The pain in his backside worsened with every guttural sob, and it was as though Heavenly Father was spiting him further by keeping him from the only person he needed. 

* * *

Being back in America did not bring the relief that Kevin had thought it was going to. 

As soon as he stepped off the plane and made eye contact with his parents, he realised that he had done the impossible and fucked up even more. He should have known that calling his parents and telling them that he needed to come home after only nine months because their disastrous mission was as much his fault as it was Arnold’s and that he was having feelings for other boys that he shouldn’t have been would not have ended well with him. 

His mother barely looked at him through the tears that were streaming down her face and his father looked at him as though he had said something terribly offensive. 

“Hi,” Kevin said quietly, “It’s great to be back,” 

Without so much as a ‘hello’, his father snatched the suitcase out of his hand and walked away. Kevin looked desperately to his mother who simply sniffled and hurried after her husband. He stood and stared at their retreating backs for a moment before he resigned himself to the fact that this was his reality now, and he may as well get used to it. 

Realistically, the cold welcome he had received even after being on the other side of the world for nine months should have foreshadowed his dad’s suggestion to go and get ‘fixed’. Kevin had stood, shocked, in the living room as his dad told him about meetings that were being held for missionaries who needed ‘help’. 

“You’ll benefit from it, son. We’ll get you back. You’ll come back to us,” 

Kevin agreed, because even though he knew that there was nothing about him that needed fixing, the General seemed to have taken his ability to say no away from him. 

* * *

Being thrown back into the world of LDS was, to say the least, jarring. 

After everything he had seen, everything he had experienced, it was almost comical to see people hold God’s Word to such a high standard. Half the time, Kevin wanted to grab them by the shoulders and yell _it means nothing, He doesn’t care about you_ until they finally got the message. Religion was a joke, and there was no point in pretending that it was anything more. 

Not that he ever voiced his opinion; he would instead sit in Church with his head bowed in mock contrition. There were whispers about how the Price boy had strayed from the Lord’s light, but he was learning to repent, and that he would soon be the person that everyone remembered. Truthfully, he couldn’t bear to look up at the Bishop, or make eye contact with any of the missionaries who seemed to think that they could save him. He didn’t want to be saved. Not by them, anyway. 

On the morning of his first Atonement Meeting, Kevin felt like there was a weight on his chest that was physically stopping him from getting out of bed. He stared up at the ceiling, thinking of all the times he had lay in that exact spot and dreamed about his mission and how it was going to change his life. He supposed that it did change his life and in a twisted sort of way, his stupid seventeen year old self had gotten exactly what he wanted. 

He took his time getting ready, carefully smoothing his hair into place and pulling on his darkest clothes so not to draw any attention to himself. He stared at himself in the mirror and couldn’t help but cringe at his appearance; he looked like a Tim Burton character. 

At least he had long since given up on impressing people. 

The drive to the community centre where the meeting was being held was a lonely one, and he considered driving out of Salt Lake City and never looking back multiple times. Before he could pluck up the courage to do so, he had pulled into the parking lot and began to resign himself to the fact that perhaps he would have to become the person that his parents wanted him to become, and that perhaps that was for the best. 

He stared over at the community centre, there was already a line of other missionaries in need of being ‘fixed’ trickling in. The act of getting out of his car and walking over to the building drained him of most of his energy, and he wondered how long it would take him to beat himself to death with his Book of Mormon.

“ _Kevin?”_

Had it not been for the fact that he had replayed that voice in the back of his mind for a year, Kevin might not have believed that he was really hearing it again. 

For some inexplicable reason, Elijah was standing by the doors of the community centre, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Before Kevin could do something stupid and wildly embarrassing like hug him or try to kiss him, Elijah cleared his throat and his face fell back into a neutral expression. He cleared his throat again - a nervous tic - and picked up a sign-in book that was sat on a table behind him. 

“Please sign in,” Elijah said, his face suddenly showing no sign of recognition, “and provide a mobile number we can best contact you on should we need to,” 

“You know my number off by heart,” 

“Please sign in,” Elijah repeated, thrusting a pen into his hand, “We’ll be starting soon,” 

Kevin frowned at him and scribbled in his name and phone number, purposely writing it wrong. He handed the book back and watched as Elijah’s eyebrows knitted together. 

“This isn’t your cell numb-” he quickly cut himself off and snatched the pen out of Kevin’s hand to rewrite it properly, “You’re not funny, Elder Price,” 

“I don’t think I’m an Elder anymore,” 

“Which is why you’re here,” Elijah said impatiently, handing him a leaflet, “Please take a seat inside,” 

The last thing that Kevin wanted to do was walk away from him, but the look on Elijah’s face told him that he wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. With one last concerned glance, Kevin took a seat inside, his eyes roaming the room to make sure that he didn’t recognise anyone else. Once he was sure that no one would recognise him, he looked down at the leaflet in his hand, only growing more confused. 

‘ _The Road to Atonement’ Hosted by Elijah Grant and Isaiah Fredericks._

Kevin worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he flicked through it, stopping when he came across a page titled ‘ _Elijah’s Testimony_ ’. Kevin only had to read the phrases ‘ _same-sex attraction_ ’ and ‘ _giving into temptation_ ’ to understand what Elijah had been through. Suddenly feeling sick, Kevin dropped the leaflet to the floor and looked to the front, his eyes immediately drawn to Elijah. 

It was like looking at a completely different person. Where he used to be always smiling and going out of his way to make someone laugh, he was staring blankly ahead of him, his shoulders slumped and eyes void of their usual sparkle. 

And despite hosting the meeting, Elijah did not do much. His co-host, who Kevin did _not_ like (and not just because he was allowed to spend so much time with him), took charge. Explaining how they had all had _unclean thoughts_ as well, and that it didn’t mean that it was the end of their relationship with God. They would be able to work through it, _together._

Only being there to appease his parents, Kevin felt like he didn’t need to hang around when it finally came to an end and instead followed Elijah out of the building, who was clearly trying to make a quick exit. 

“Do you have a question, Elder Price?” Elijah asked, turning to face him. 

“Why are you calling me that? You barely called me that when we were at the MTC,” Kevin said, taking a hesitant step towards him. 

“What happened at the MTC was a mistake, on both of our parts,” he said slowly, “We should both forget about-” 

“No, we shouldn’t,” Kevin interjected, “I don’t want to,” 

“Then that’s between yourself and Heavenly Father. Please don’t drag me into your sinful behaviour,” Elijah said, not looking him in the eye. 

“Elijah-” 

“I said _no,_ Elder Price!” Elijah yelled, shoving him away from him, “Just because you’re still somehow perfect even though something went wrong in Uganda, doesn’t mean it is for the rest of us!” 

“What happened?” Kevin asked desperately, “Why are you acting like this? Why can’t you-” 

“You _left_ me,” Elijah hissed, “I asked you to wait for me, and you didn’t and now we’re here! You made our beds, Elder! Now we have to lie in them!” 

* * *

Elijah actually spoke at the next Atonement meeting - a whole speech about how there was always going to be ghosts from their pasts, and that they would all do well to remember that these ghosts were just tests from Heavenly Father. 

It was a good job Kevin didn’t believe in ghosts.

* * *

It was three weeks before Elijah spoke to him again. 

In those three weeks, Kevin had gone out of his way to be the straightest missionary to ever exist. He had stood up in the middle of the second meeting and tearfully announced that he had deleted Grindr off his phone (an app that he had never downloaded in his life) and had instead joined an LDS dating app (the very thought of which made him want to launch himself off a cliff). Isaiah had lapped it all up, telling him that he was a shining example for his fellow Atoners and that he could possibly atone earlier than expected. 

The straighter he looked, the less likely it was that anyone was going to accuse him and Elijah of doing anything even _slightly_ homosexual. And Kevin knew that Elijah wanted to try again, he saw it in the way that his gaze always lingered on his face for a few seconds too long, and how his eyes would drop to his lips whenever they were speaking. 

Finally, after the third session, Kevin found Elijah waiting for him by his car. 

“I thought...I thought we could - we could catch up,” Elijah said quietly, “Because it’s been so long. I don’t know if you wanted to go for a drive or something just cause - well, I don’t live at home anymore but I have a roommate and he - not that I want to be alone with you! I just - I...uh...” 

“My parents are out of town,” Kevin said, fighting to hide his excitement, “It’s their wedding anniversary, so we can go to mine. If you want,” 

Elijah answered by wordlessly getting into the car and fixing his gaze out of the window. Kevin grinned to himself and drove home as quick as the speed limit would allow. 

What he had expected to be a romantic, _passionate_ reunion ended up being awkward and uncomfortable. When they got into the house, Elijah sat on the opposite end of the sofa to Kevin, his arms wrapped around himself like he was trying to make himself as small as possible. 

“Your mission ended early,” Elijah said quietly, “Why?” 

Kevin shook his head, “It’s still happening. I left. I couldn’t hack it anymore,” 

An odd look flickered over his face, “The great Elder Price couldn’t hack his mission? What is this, the twilight zone?” 

“No, I just...” Kevin trailed off, not at all feeling like delving into the most traumatic time of his life, “It wasn’t for me, I guess. What about you? Shouldn’t you be in Norway?” 

Elijah suddenly looked deeply ashamed, his eyes filling with tears, “Did you not read my testimony?” 

“Not all of it,” 

“I was caught with the district leader,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, “I’d only been there six months,” 

“Oh,” Kevin said softly, “I’m - I’m sorry,” 

Kevin couldn’t think of anything else to say. Elijah had now drawn his knees to his chest, a single tear trickling down his cheek as he stared ahead of him. He sniffled and rested his chin on his knees. 

“It’ll get better for you, Kevin,” he said, “You’ll learn to embrace the Lord again,”

“Did it get better for you?” Kevin asked quietly. 

“I thought it did. Now I’m not sure,” 

Elijah slowly turned his head to face him, a tiny crease between his eyebrows. Kevin stayed silent, not trusting himself to say the wrong thing and mess it all up again. Hesitantly, and almost as if he was in pain, Elijah inched towards him, stopping when their knees were just about touching. 

“You forgot about me,” he said quietly. 

Kevin shook his head, “No. I didn’t. I was scared,” 

Elijah’s breath shuddered as he looked up at him, tears still streaming down his face. As gentle as anything, Kevin lifted his hand to wipe them away, but that simple action only seemed to make him cry more. 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin whispered, “I treated you terribly. I didn’t mean too,” 

“Your forgot about me,” 

“I didn’t. I thought about you. Everyday,” 

“Do you still care about the Church?” Elijah asked quietly. 

“I lost my faith a long time ago,” Kevin admitted. 

They fell asleep on the sofa together that night, and Kevin wasn’t sure that his faith was completely lost. 

* * *

When Kevin awoke the next morning, it was not to Elijah on top of him like he had been the night before, but to him knelt besides the couch, his head bowed in prayer. Kevin slowly sat up and watched him silently. As much as he hated the thought of slipping back into the habit of praying every morning, he wasn’t going to stop others from doing it. That was until Elijah’s fervent mutterings got louder and Kevin realised exactly what he was praying for. 

“Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to give into temptation again. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I’ll work harder. Forgive me, Lord, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry,” 

“You don’t need to pray for forgiveness,”

If Elijah heard him, he didn’t respond. His hands were clasped tightly in front of him, his knuckles turned pure white as he continued to frantically pray. Kevin watched him for a moment longer until he couldn’t bear listening to it for much long. 

He slipped off the sofa and sat next to him, gently placing his hand on his back. He didn’t push him away, but Kevin wasn’t sure if that was because he was so distracted by praying that he had no idea what was happening around him. 

“Elijah,” Kevin whispered, “Please stop, you don’t - you don’t need to,” 

He finally stopped; his hands fell to the sofa with a dull thud and he turned to look at Kevin, his eyes glassy. It was as though he was looking right through him.

“You should pray too,” he whispered back, “In case they - they make you go,”

Kevin frowned, “To the Atonement Meetings?” 

Elijah shook his head, the colour draining from his face, “N-No. The real place, _proper_ therapy. You shouldn’t - You shouldn’t have to go through that,” 

Kevin’s frown deepened. His morbid curiosity had always wanted to know what happened during that therapy but as he watched Elijah begin to fall apart, he realised that he didn’t want to know at all. 

Slowly, Kevin reached out and wiggled his hand in between Elijah’s until their fingers linked together and he inadvertently smiled. Elijah’s fingers were as they always used to be, ink stained from the hours that he would spend scribbling in his many notebooks. 

“You don’t have to go back,” Kevin said, “We can move away. Like we always said we would. Go to college and - and start again. You can finally do that creative writing degree that you always wanted,” 

Elijah’s cheeks turned red and he shook his head, “My dad wants me to do business or poli-sci or...or something worthwhile.” 

Kevin dared to inch closer to him, his eyes dropping back down to their hands. The sides of his hands were covered in ink too, and he couldn’t help but wonder how much feverish writing he’d been doing the day before. Kevin’s favourite days used to be when they would find some secluded corner of the MTC or hide away in a park whilst Elijah leaned against him and scrawled pages and pages of poems that he never understood because metaphors and similes went straight over his head.

“But if we’re - if we’re away from here then you can do that!” Kevin exclaimed, “We can do what we always wanted. Remember when - Remember when we said we’d live in an apartment with yellow walls and adopt a gecko and call him Fred? We can - We can do that,”

“I thought you never really wanted that,” Elijah mumbled. 

“Of course I did,” Kevin said earnestly, “I’ve always wanted it. I’ve always wanted _you,_ Eli,” 

“I’m scared,” 

“I know,” Kevin said, “I know you are, but you don’t need to be. We’re safe here,” 

Elijah said nothing, just stared down at their joined hands like it was something abnormal. It might have been, but Kevin didn’t mind abnormal anymore. 

“You don’t have to stay,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry if I’m pushing you too much,” 

“I don’t know what I want,” Elijah muttered, “How am I meant to choose between my family and...” he trailed off, the ‘you’ unspoken but heard all the same.

Kevin was still selfish enough for it to sting a little, but he tried to act like it didn’t. It had not taken much for him to mentally detach himself from his parents and he had long since been pushed over the edge. Elijah seemed to still be clinging on even if it was his family who were stepping on his fingers. 

“What if - What if I go and buy us breakfast and then if...if you leave we can pretend nothing ever happened but if you’re still here then we can try again,” Kevin hesitantly suggested, “Cause if you wanna leave, it might be easier if I’m not...I’m not here,” 

Elijah nodded silently. 

“There’s a coffee place like 20 minutes away so that’ll - it’ll give you enough time to decide,” Kevin said quietly, “Croissant and a smoothie?” 

The corners of Elijah’s mouth twitched in what might have been a smile, “You remembered,” 

“Sometimes a chocolate croissant when you were sad,” Kevin said, “Of course I remember,” 

Resisting the urge to kiss his cheek, Kevin slowly let go of his hand with a whisper that he was under no obligation to stay and grabbed his keys off the hook by the door. 

He anxiously drummed his fingers against the steering wheel as he drove, wondering if he had done the right thing. There was a horrible part of his brain that kept on telling him that he was being too pushy, too _forceful_ and Elijah had only spent the night because he felt like he had to.

Ordering the largest coffee that the shop offered didn’t seem like a particularly intelligent idea when his heart was already beating hard enough to break his rib cage, but the bitter taste was oddly comforting to him. 

The house was unnervingly quiet when he got back, and Kevin felt his heart sink. He slowly kicked his shoes off and walked back into the living room, heart somehow sinking further when he found it empty. Forcefully reminding himself that Elijah owed him nothing and had every right to leave after the way he had treated him at the MTC, Kevin pushed the kitchen door open with hip and tried to work out what he was going to do with the extra breakfast. Smoothies had never really been his thing. 

“I can’t reach the plates,” 

Kevin jumped backwards, almost spilling the smoothie down himself. Elijah was standing on his tiptoes, arm stretched out towards the plates. Deciding to act like the fact that he was staying wasn’t the best thing that had happened to him in months and that he was _so very cool_ about it, Kevin smiled at him and reached over his head to grab the plates. 

“Why are all your family giants?” Elijah asked.

“I think someone mated with Big Foot back in the day,” Kevin said. 

Elijah smiled at him as he plated their food up, and he looked the most familiar to Kevin than he had done since they met again. He had that sparkle in his eye that he always had done at the MTC and seemed to have fallen back into the habit of brushing up against him as much as he could. Not that Kevin was complaining. He had forgotten how much he had relied on those little touches here and there to keep him going. 

Breakfast dates, Kevin decided, were the best kind of dates. Sure, he wasn’t _entirely_ sure if this was a date-date or just two _friends_ eating breakfast together, but Kevin liked to think that there was something happening between them. 

Kevin frowned into his bagel when he felt Elijah’s foot brush against his leg but just put it down to him accidentally kicking him. He smiled at him and carried on eating until he felt it again, this time his foot drifting a little bit higher and Kevin wondered if he had developed some sort of tic in the time that they had been apart. 

“You know you keep on kicking me?” Kevin said. 

Elijah sighed and shook his head, which only served to confuse Kevin more. Assuming he _had_ developed some sort of tic and had offended him, Kevin turned back to his bagel and decided to only speak when he wasn’t saying something that would offend Elijah. Only, he wasn’t entirely sure what to say to him because he couldn’t remember how they had even started all this back at the MTC. He had a feeling that it had something to do with a private study session, but he didn’t think that Elijah would want to study scripture. 

Before he could say something really stupid (like suggest that they study scripture), Elijah had knocked his smoothie over and spilled it all down his shirt. He yelled and jumped to his feet as green liquid slowly spread over him. 

Kevin jumped to his feet at once and grabbed a tea towel, trying his very best to salvage the shirt until he realised he didn’t seem to be achieving anything other than dyeing the towel green too. 

“Can I borrow a t-shirt?” Elijah asked. 

The implications of taking his hand and leading him up to his bedroom went straight over Kevin’s head as he rifled through his closet to find Elijah a shirt. When he found one, he turned around to find him suddenly shirtless and Kevin didn’t know where to look. 

“Uh - here’s a shirt, it might be a - might be a bit big but I think it’ll, um - I think it’ll be fine,” Kevin mumbled, determinedly staring at the floor as he held the shirt out, “I’ll put the other in the laundry,” 

He took a moment to recollect himself in the laundry room, running a shaking hand through his hair, reminding himself that if Elijah was still shirtless when he got back, he wasn’t going to stare because he hadn’t been explicitly told that he was allowed to look anywhere but his face. 

This still didn’t stop Kevin’s heart from sinking when he walked into his bedroom to find Elijah fully clothed again. He was sat cross legged in the middle of his bed, looking around the room with a crease between his eyebrows. Kevin put it down to the fact that he had ten different copies of the Book of Mormon on his bookshelf, a statue of Moroni on his bedside table and a really quite lavish picture of Jesus. 

“Have you ever thought about redecorating?” 

Kevin rolled his eyes as he sat besides Elijah, “I can’t get rid of the religious paraphernalia if that’s what you’re suggesting,” 

“I feel like Jesus is watching me,” 

“Isn’t that the point?” Kevin asked, “He’s always watching,” 

“Is that gonna - would that...would that put you off doing, um...anything?” 

Kevin turned to look at him with a frown; he looked suddenly nervous, his bottom lip caught between his teeth and his hands nervously running up and down his thighs. 

“What do you mean would it put me off doing anything?” 

“Well, you didn’t - didn’t get the foot thing. I was playing, well, _trying_ to play footsie with you,” 

Kevin blinked at him, not entirely sure he knew what footsie was, “I thought - I thought that you had a tic or something,” 

“And then I purposely spilled my drink on myself so I had an excuse to take my shirt off but you wouldn’t even look at me,” 

“Oh,” Kevin said, heat rising in his cheeks, “I - Sorry, you didn’t - you didn’t say I was allowed to look. I didn’t want to do something to - to upset you,” 

“You - You thought you were gonna upset me if you looked at me?” 

Kevin was sure he was as red as a tomato now. It was becoming increasingly obvious to him that the way he viewed relationships and everything that came with them more than a little strange. He tried to explain himself, but found he could not do much except shrug his shoulders and mutter “don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” under his breath. 

Elijah smiled at him, “That’s - That’s sweet,” 

Kevin smiled back and swallowed, “But, uh...I - I wouldn’t - Jesus isn’t gonna, uh...put me off anything,” 

Elijah launched himself at Kevin and their lips awkwardly clashed together. Quite unprepared, Kevin fell backwards onto his hand and narrowly avoided his neck snapping back against the headboard. Elijah didn’t seem to notice and easily clambered onto Kevin’s lap, one hand curled in his hair and the other grabbing onto the front of his shirt. 

Kevin froze for a moment before he reciprocated. He wrapped his arms around Elijah’s waist, pulling him closer. This only served to rub their crotches together and push them into territory that they had yet to explore with each other. Instinctively, Kevin moved to put distance between the two of them, but Elijah pressed closer to him and Kevin right pushed back. 

“Kev, do you - do you wanna...I know we never have before but-” 

“Yes,” Kevin gasped, “Yes. We - We can,” 

A mere three days ago, Kevin did not think that he would find himself lying on his bed with Elijah on top of him, his lips attaching to every bit of exposed skin - and there was _a lot_ more exposed skin than he was used to. When Elijah unbuttoned his shirt and started pushing it off his shoulders, Kevin’s immediate reaction was to shove him away from him, but he soon found himself leaning into his touch. 

And it was so strange, because he never thought that he’d ever end up like this. Not with a man or a woman or _anyone._ His brain had completely closed off to anything like this. At least, he thought it had. 

“You want to do this, don’t you?” Elijah asked quietly, pulling away. 

“Y-Yeah. I m-mean-” he cleared his throat as he stumbled over his words and his face heated up, “Yes. I do want to do this,” 

“You look terrified,” 

Kevin blinked at him, “I’m just - I’m...I’m nervous, that’s all. I’ve never - well, I’m still a - I’m still a virg - well, sort of. I mean, I just - I’m not...experienced...” he trailed off pathetically, hoping that Elijah was more concerned with what was happening in his pants rather than what was happening in his head.

Elijah frowned and slipped off his lap, which was perhaps the most disappointing thing that had happened to Kevin in a long time - and he was including his parents refusal to accept that he was gay. In an attempt to look like he was _so very cool and nonchalant_ about sex, he propped himself up on his elbow and smiled at Elijah in the hopes that he would stop looking at him with that _look_ that everyone always gave him. 

“What happened in Ugan-” 

“Nothing important,” Kevin said quickly, grabbing his hand and pulling him back to him, “Please. Can we get back to - _you know_ ,” 

Elijah smiled and threw his leg back over Kevin, gently running his fingers through his bangs, “Are you sure?” 

Kevin nodded, “I’m sure,” 

When he didn’t move, Kevin took matters into his own hands and tugged Elijah back down to him, because he figured that kissing was something people usually did before they had sex. He also figured that getting naked was another thing that people did and quickly began unbuttoning Elijah’s shirt. As soon as he did, he felt him tense up and immediately held his hands up. 

“S-Sorry!” Kevin said quickly, “Sorry! Did I - Have I done something wrong?” 

Elijah shook his head, hastily wiping his eyes, “I’m sorry. I don’t - I don’t think that I can..I can do this. I’m sorry. I thought I was - I thought I was gonna be able to but I - not again. It can’t happen again,” 

Kevin’s blood ran cold and he quickly sat up again, arms looping around Elijah’s waist. 

“Again?” he asked hesitantly. 

Elijah sniffled, “It was just...the district leader. I thought he cared about me but he just - he was at the end of his mission and he was bored and I was just _there_ and willing and I - I don’t want to...I don’t want to do _this_ and then you just - I never see you again and you just wanted _that_ from me and then I’m just - I’m just alone again and you don’t give a shit and I...” he trailed off in a sniffle, “I’m sorry,” 

Silently, Kevin pulled Elijah’s shirt back up for him and slowly buttoned it up for him, pressing the softest of kisses to his neck and jaw. 

“We don’t have to do anything,” Kevin said quietly, “We’re in no rush,” 

“I feel like I’ve disappointed you,” Elijah mumbled, rolling off of him. 

Kevin shook his head, lying on his side to face him, “You’ve not. I promise. We’ve got all the time in the world...” 

Elijah hesitantly scooted towards him, pressing his face into Kevin’s chest and tangling their legs together. Kevin rested his chin on top of his head and permitted himself a small smile; somehow, everything felt right whilst feeling so completely wrong. They were meant to be together, he was sure of that, he just wished that it was under better circumstances and that neither of them were forced to carry the burdens that they were. 

“I need a shower,” Elijah whispered. 

“Bathrooms across the hall,” Kevin said, in between peppering kisses into his hair, “There should be towels in there,”

Once he was alone again, Kevin rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, uncomfortably aware of the fact that he was still hard. He glanced over at the door and chewed on the inside of his cheek. As inexperienced as he was with intimacy, he was sure that doing _that_ whilst the person he was thinking about was just across the hall would be strange. Still, if Elijah had clung onto his old habit of spending at least 45 minutes in the shower, then Kevin would have more than enough time to- 

“Kev?” 

He wasn’t sure how long Elijah had been standing in the doorway, but he hoped that it hadn’t been long enough to see his hand drifting further and further south. 

“Y-Yeah?” Kevin asked, trying to act as nonchalant as possible, “What’s up? No towels?” 

Elijah’s cheeks turned pink, “No, there’s - there’s towels. I just...I don’t want to be alone,” 

“I’m only gonna be-” 

“ _Willyoushowerwithme?”_

He spoke so fast and so quietly, that Kevin was sure that he had misheard him. It was only when Elijah held a towel towards him that he realised he hadn’t. 

“Uh-” 

Elijah’s shoulders sagged as the arm holding the towel up fell limply to his side, “Sorry. I’m being weird. You don’t have to-” 

Kevin cleared his throat and shook his head, “No, it’s fine. I just - I just thought you didn’t want to have sex,” 

“You think - You think your first time having sex is gonna be in a shower?” 

“Uh-” Kevin frowned, “Judging by that reaction I’m going to say...no? Sorry, I don’t know that much about sex,” 

“I just...I just mean that I want to be...be close to you,” 

“Oh,” Kevin said, “So you want me to...shower with you? Like, get in with you?

Elijah’s blush deepened and he turned to leave the room again, “You’re right, it’s weird. I’m just gonna - I won’t be long,” 

Kevin stared after him for a moment before he realised that _he_ was being the weird one. He dived off the bed and practically leapt across the hallway to get into the bathroom. 

“Wait, Eli, I will shower with you, I just didn’t get what you...” his voice died in his throat when he realised that Elijah was naked and suddenly didn’t know where to look. His eyes kept on flickering _down_ but he was quite sure that that was extremely rude, “Um, I - you’re naked,” 

“Because I’m about to get into the shower,” 

Kevin’s eyes flickered down again and he cleared his throat, dropping his shaking hands to his own belt. Elijah frowned at him, gently nudging his hands away so he could unbuckle the belt for him instead. 

“If you’re uncomfortable-” 

Kevin shook his head, watching with wide eyes as Elijah’s hands moved over him. The last time he had watched someone do this, he had been desperately praying for God to save him from the rough hands that had been merciless in the way that they had touched him. It was different now, though. Elijah was humming quietly under his breath, only stopping to giggle when he couldn’t get the buttons undone. 

“Have I been too forward?” Elijah asked quietly, grabbing Kevin’s hand when he stumbled in the act of stepping out of his underwear, “You look uncomfortable,” 

“N-No,” Kevin said, “I just - I’m naked,” 

“Yeah....” he smiled at him, “You look good,” 

Kevin blushed, “It’s weird,” 

Elijah laughed and gently tugged him towards the shower, “I won’t look,” 

“But _I’ve_ looked and now I feel bad,” 

“It’s fine, Kevin,” Elijah said with a giggle, wrapping his arms around Kevin’s waist and pressing his face into his chest, “Now you don’t have to look and feel bad,” 

Kevin smiled and rested his chin on top of Elijah’s head, pulling him closer. He closed his eyes and shuffled sideways a little so they were actually under the shower, the warm water cascading over the two of them. In a way, it was like being baptised again. 

It was strange; something that felt inherently sexual was the exact opposite. They stood under the water for what felt like hours (mainly because Elijah realised that the shower head had more than one setting and felt the need to test every single one), clinging onto each other and only breaking away to exchange kisses or for Elijah to laugh at Kevin for owning so many skin and hair care products. 

When Kevin finally turned the shower off, Elijah sighed and nuzzled his face into his neck. 

“I don’t want to go home,” 

Kevin looked down at him, his fingers featherlight as they brushed up and down his back, even daring to brush over his backside, “You don't have to. Stay over again. No one’s going to question where you are, are they? Tell your roommate you’re staying at your parents or something,” 

Elijah looked up at him, “If someone finds out-” 

“They won’t,” Kevin said firmly, “We’re safe here,” 

“Okay,” Elijah whispered, “I’ll stay,” 

Kevin grinned and placed a kiss to his forehead, “Wanna order take out later?” 

He looked up at him and smiled, nodding his head. Kevin beamed at him again and grabbed a towel from the sink, wrapping it around them both because he wasn’t going to be rude and look _down_ again. Elijah seemed to understand where his mind was and carefully spun around in Kevin’s arms and wrapped the towel around his waist, not turning around again until Kevin had done the same thing. 

As soon as they were dressed again and Kevin could actually look at Elijah without feeling lightheaded, he flopped down on bed and held his arms out towards him. Usually, Kevin would hate lying in his bed with wet hair that would ruin his pillows, but for Elijah, he would make an exception. 

Elijah hesitated for a moment and as much as Kevin wanted to hold him, he was happy for the chance to just _stare_. He had always been much shorter than Kevin, but he somehow looked smaller and younger than usual wearing his pyjamas. The shirt fell halfway down his thighs, and the joggers were so long that they covered his feet. Kevin wasn’t sure he had ever seen someone so breath taking in his life. 

“We’re safe,” he whispered. 

Elijah stared at him for two seconds longer before he finally crawled into bed besides him, curling up between his arms. Kevin pulled him as close as possible, letting his eyes flutter shut as he focused on the feeling of Elijah’s breath puff against his neck and the occasional gentle kisses he placed to the underside of his jaw. 

Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, Elijah spoke. 

“How do I know you’re not gonna leave me again?” 

Because I - I...” Kevin trailed off, “I don’t know. All I’ve ever wanted is you,” 

“If that were true, you wouldn’t have treated me the way you did,” 

“If it were true for you, you wouldn’t have been fucking someone else whilst you were in Norway,” Kevin snapped before he could stop himself. 

Elijah sat up so quickly it was as though he had been stung. Kevin followed quickly, a garbled apology already tumbling from his mouth. Elijah said nothing, just stared at him. Kevin might have preferred it if he cried. 

“That’s not fair,” he said finally. 

“I know,” Kevin said quickly, “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I said it. I’m sorry. I just - I’m...I’m jealous...” he mumbled the last word, half hoping that Elijah wouldn’t hear him. 

“Jealous?” Elijah echoed. 

Kevin felt his cheeks heat up and looked down at his lap, twisting the bottom of his t-shirt up in his hands and tried to think of the best way to express how he felt without sounding like the sad (sort of) virgin that he was. A quiet whisper of his name had him looking back up at Elijah again who was frowning ever so slightly. 

“I just - I don’t...I don’t like the thought of - I mean, I’m not - I’m not really a possessive person but I just - I don’t like the thought of...the thought of you being with someone who isn’t - who isn’t me,” Kevin mumbled, his blush spreading down his neck, “I know it’s immature but I...I sort of - when we - _if_ we...uh... _do it_ , I don’t want it to be any less special...or for me to ruin it cause I - I don’t know what to do,” 

Elijah cleared his throat, “My district leader wasn’t...I mean...he wasn’t very _nice_ so I don’t - I’ve been trying not to count him as my first...” 

“Did he - Did he force you to-” 

“No!” Elijah said quickly, “No, it wasn’t - it wasn’t like _that_. No. He just...He was in it for himself, you know? He was more concerned with making himself feel good than, you know, both of us so I...I think I would...I think I would count you as my first. Or at least...a least the only one that mattered,” 

“Sorry,” Kevin whispered, biting back his own tears, “I didn’t mean to - I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t mean it,” 

Elijah’s eyes roamed his face for a moment before he nodded and lay back down again. Only this time, there was a gap between them and Kevin didn’t think that it was a gap Elijah wanted closed. 

“I want this to work, Kevin,” Elijah whispered, “but if - if you’d have been having sex in Uganda, I wouldn’t have used it against you,” 

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut, a lump rising in his throat and his chest tightening. He hated himself because it was true; if he told Elijah about the General, he wouldn’t have snapped at him or weaponised it, he’d have just sat and listened and told him it was okay and that it didn’t change anything. 

A hand cupped his cheek and a pair of lips brushed over his forehead, “Kev? What’s - What’s going on?” 

Kevin shook his head and turned his face away from Elijah, hiding it in his pillow. Elijah whispered his name again, the bed springs creaking as he shuffled closer to him again. 

“I’m not - I’m not mad at you,” Elijah said, “I just - I don’t - it’s not fair to use that against me, you know?”

“I know,” Kevin mumbled, still not looking up at him, “Because you wouldn’t - you wouldn’t do that to me,” 

Elijah pressed closer to him again, “Something happened in Uganda, didn’t it?” 

“Jus’ wanted you,” Kevin sobbed, “all I wanted was you,” 

“You’ve got me,” Elijah whispered, “It’s okay. You’ve got me. I’m here,” 

“S-Sorry. ‘M sorry. I’m awful. I’m the worst. I’m sorry. You don’t have to be here. I’m sorry,” Kevin whispered, scrambling to wrap his arms around him and bury his face into the crook of his neck. 

“You don’t- you don’t have to apologise, Kev. I shouldn’t have - I shouldn’t have expected that much from you back at the MTC,” Elijah said, running his hand up and down his back, “and I - whatever...whatever happened on your mission you - you don’t need to tell me, but I can - I want to be here for you. Properly.”

Kevin sniffled and nodded against his neck, trying to move even closer to him. He wasn’t going to tell him tonight, or indeed anytime within the next month, but all he had been craving was to hear Elijah say that to him, and to just be _there_ for him. 

“I’m not - I’m not gonna go anywhere,” Kevin said, finally looking back up at him, “I promise. I’m not leaving you,” 

“But you understand why I’m a little worried-“ 

“Yeah, but I love you,”

Elijah pulled away from him, his eyes wide, “Kevin....” 

“I, uh - I...” Kevin cleared his throat, reaching out to run his fingers up and down Elijah’s side, “I dunno if it’s soon or what - whatever, but I...I love you and I thought that you should...” he trailed off when he realised that Elijah was just staring at him, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” 

Elijah still didn’t say anything, and Kevin wished that he had been blessed with the ability to know when things were a little strange to say out loud. With a funny little noise, Elijah rolled onto his back with his hands lay on his stomach and Kevin assumed that this was when he got told he was a little strange and shouldn’t say something like to someone he’s not really been on a _date_ with. 

“Really?” he asked finally, “You love me?” 

“Y-Yeah. Is that...is that okay?” 

Elijah turned to him and grinned, “Yeah. I love you too,” 

Kevin frowned, “You...You love me?”

“Yeah. Is that okay?” 

Kevin nodded, biting the inside of his lip as tears pricked at his eyes, “Y-Yeah. That’s - That’s fine,” 

Elijah giggled and leaned back over to kiss him, whispering _I love you_ against his lips over and over again. Kevin happily indulged him, pulling him on top of him and deciding that no matter what his parents expected of him, no matter what _God_ expected of him, he wasn’t ever going to let Elijah go. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Comments/kudos etc etc etc im on tumblr etc etc etc


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